Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
We decided to have money instead of children.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.