Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?