Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
im all 3
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*