Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
You Might Also Like
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
“I FIXED IT!”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.