Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
That was easy.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?