Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I wanna be friends with this person
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.