I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
ugh not again
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My dress code is business-casualty.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Why am I like this?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?