Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body