BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
my favorite genre of twitter
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses