BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.