Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
You Might Also Like
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.