[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.