Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
choose your fighter
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”