Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
How I like cutting carbs
Holy crap this is wonderful
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine