@michaelianblack: Bummed that there's no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
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@robdelaney: Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord.
@KeetPotato: [wife putting groceries away] "where's the bread?" i got mugged "specifically for bread?" [cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed] yes
@Steelers1972: My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I'm starting to think she really doesn't like lunch.