Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
You Might Also Like
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.