I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
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how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
nature’s most graceful animal
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!