Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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Ovenable?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.