@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@carlyken: [bank robbery] OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN! [dave starts doing the electric slide] Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
@electrolemon: HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked