@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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@Marlebean: My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath. The walls, too. Yup, and ceiling.
@Dildo_Hitler: Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he's shrunk
@CulturedRuffian: Cat 911: What's your emergency? Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I'm scared! Cat 911: Seriously? Cat: No, LOL! Cat 911: LOL!
@CallousBalzac: My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me "literally, nothing is interesting to me".