Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.