I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?