Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
You Might Also Like
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson