Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.