*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You Might Also Like
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso