*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
They did not miss in the small print
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy