*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
You Might Also Like
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Bro what is this
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
relationship goals
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket