*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!