*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Nothing.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.