*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison