@ingmarbirdman: *bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
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@SteveDutzy: *logs on Facebook IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! *logs off WAIT COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX'S ENGAGEMENT!
@urmumsausername: I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck Did I buy it? Of course I did! Well, I couldn't turn it down Could I?
@FudgeRobot: Sometimes when I'm about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I'm a wizard.
@MarfSalvador: [Pulled over by cops] Murderer: I swear officer! There ain't nuthin in the trunk! Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT