ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
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She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.