[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.