BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”