JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
so weird how every mom was born today
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Namaste
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.