Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.