@fro_vo: *burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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@_sshaikhh: Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did 2000: deux mille 2001: deux mille un 1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
@StellaGMaddox: My daughter wrote, "I will see you every day of our lives," on my Mother's Day card, so I guess we've resorted to threats now.
@NintenDom: I just got off the phone with God. He's pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn't even know he exists.