*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Worlds greatest photobomb
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
looks legit
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.