Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
No way!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot