[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is