[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]