I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.