@DaHess1: @BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
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@GlennyRodge: "My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a labrador."
@MAngelo505: My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men's line.
@leshnevsky: Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
@maurex23: "I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.