Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.