*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning