@causticbob: Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38
@StellaGMaddox: According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
@JoParkerBear: Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I'm all like, "No." [rises from chair] NO.