@causticbob: Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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@KyleMcDowell86: ME: I need to return this blender WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why? ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand) "Its haunted"
@Weird_Rash: Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.
@E_lok44: Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I'm going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
@Jenny4ashley: My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like "please untie me" and "just tell me who you are".