@causticbob: Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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@JoParkerBear: They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
@ShesARealGenius: [FIRST DATE] Me, opening mouth seductively: "And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
@DaddyJew: Coworker: people around the office think you're too controlling Me: what's that? Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*