@causticbob: Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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@yungsweater: *Playing catch* *dad throws ball over fence* "I'll get it son!" *25 years later* "Wow he must've thrown it far"
@Try2StopME: Husband: "Lost my keys again." Wife: "It's in your Jeans." Husband: "Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!"
@anylaurie16: 7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, "Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."
@Epygma: *i get chased into a dark alley* Please no *two men walk up to me holding a knife* "If you join our insurance you can save up to-" NOOOOOOO