@causticbob: Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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@fanofhell: *holds "bunny ears" over someone's head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
@DaddyJew: Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *super high* nice try, license and registration
@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.