Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Stick it to the man
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
A man of commitment.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy