Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.