Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.