[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
True.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
But that’s none of my business