[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Never mess with a drunken pig.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home