*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters