Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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when revenge coincides with naptime
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”