[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
A great tip. #CakeRex
this is uni
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.