*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?