*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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channeling her this year
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping