Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first